Yesterday marked a year since we went to a new Reproductive Endocrinologist with all the determination and readiness to get this show on the road. Instead of a plan, we were devastated. That day is burned into my being like few things have ever been burned or ever will. That was the day I lost my hope of becoming a mother.
The days that followed were like none I’ve ever known, but hear me when I say that I’m a different person than I was that day. And I’m not sorry that I’m different.
I haven’t updated my blog recently, because I’ve not felt like I had much that was noteworthy to say.
The last few months, since my surgery, have been the good kind of difficult mostly. Settling into my new normal. My body is changing so fast, it’s hard to wrap my mind around it.
As I lose the weight, I gain hope that was taken from me. I gain faith that God’s plan is unfolding. I find myself leaning into a plan I can’t know and building a faith like none I’ve had before.
As of yesterday, I’ve lost 82 pounds. Not even half of my total goal, but it’s crazy.
I’m getting to where I can tolerate foods more and can keep them down. The weight loss has slowed some, since I’m able to eat. My hair is thinning a little bit, but nothing alarming at this point. I have alot of hair, so I’m not worried yet.
Yesterday was like closing a very emotional and hard chapter of my life. I’ve grieved every holiday this past year and walked this road I’m on.
It wasn’t fearless. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t a road that anyone in my life really knew how to walk with me, but so many people did. There was so much tenderness and love and support for me this year as I have stepped into this crazy chapter of my life.
I survived. My marriage has survived. I did not die of grief. I did not end my life, even though there were times I thought it was over.
I have found strength in my weakest days that doesn’t make sense.
I’m stronger. I’m better than I was before. My faith is different.