October 19, 2017

First picture February 27, 2017.

Second picture October 19, 2017.

94 pounds.

This is the first side by side picture that hasn’t made me cry in disappointment. I looked at previous pictures, and I couldn’t tell a real difference. It was heartbreaking. This time, I’m fighting off the tears today, because I’m starting to feel like it’s making a real difference.

It’s weird what has happened in my brain in this process. It’s like a weird kind of self defeating denial.

I weigh myself, and I don’t believe the numbers are really changing.

I put on my clothes, and my first thought is that they got stretched out in the wash.

I try on clothes at the store, and I think they are missized.

People complement me, and I think they are being overly generous, if not lying to me.

I have to talk myself into believing that I’m having success. That this is going to work. That I’m not failing. That it’s okay to celebrate the victories. That I’m not going to jinx it by acknowledging what’s happening.

94 pounds is significant, because today I weigh 300 pounds even. I started this journey at 394 pounds. Next time I weigh, I will likely be in the 200s. I hope to get down to 180 as a goal, but that still feels so far away.

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October 14, 2017

Holy Hair Loss, Batman!

So, it’s been going on a few weeks now, but I’m starting to get a little concerned. I have pretty thick hair generally, and it is probably the thinnest I remember it being. I’m probably going to have to remove the drain cover and snake the pipe in my shower, because it’s more than Drano can really handle.

I’m still good on hair, but I may or may not have saved a cancer turban on my Amazon cart just in case. I think I can pull it off. I’ve started worrying about it.

It’s really weird how insecure and self critical I have been about my body in this weight loss process. I would even say possibly obsessive. I know it’s just part of the process, but I guess I thought because I’ve worked so hard throughout my life to combat a negative self image that I wouldn’t struggle so much. Not true.

So now I’m obsessed with my hair, which might take the focus off my loose skin issues. I feel like my skin is actually doing pretty well with the use of compression garments, but it’s just not keeping up with the weight loss. I’m hopeful, though.

I hope this hair loss is very temporary, though. Dr Google says it’s usually only about 5-15% of your hair. It seems like alot, though. Maybe I’m just crazy…

October 13, 2017

Today, I hit 89 pounds lost. I’m losing about 3 to 5 pounds a week right now, so I’m hoping to cross two major thresholds in the next two to three weeks. I’m going to get out of the 300s club, and I’m going to reach 100 pounds lost. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it.

I’m wearing brand new size 1x (14/16) shirts and last night I bought size 22 blue jeans. (Baby got back!) I was wearing 4-5x shirts and very tight size 28 jeans.

Last week, I did my yearly biometric screening for work, which if I pass 3 out of 5 elements, saves me $25 a pay period on my health insurance premiums. I have worked here 5 years on November 5th, and I have never passed even one of the requirements. I passed only the glucose, which is huge since I’ve been prediabetic since my mid twenties, but was very close on the blood pressure and the cholesterol and my waist size is 8 inches smaller than last year.

This process is much more emotional than I ever would have thought. Without the surgery to help me, I would have not been able to push through the really hard days I’ve had in this process.

I believe we have an enemy of our souls, who seeks to devour and make us fail in breaking the chains of sin and addiction and depression and anxiety over our lives. I’ve had every possible stumbling block thrown in front of my feet the past 4 months, and have lost what I denied previously to be my coping tool. It’s been really a difficult time.

In the midst of all these trials, I’ve become very thankful for this surgery. I don’t have the option of quitting. My body won’t let me quit. So I am staying on track.

October 2017

Puppy blog:

The last few weeks have been pretty fun. I’m not really sure what a birthday is, but I’ve had two of them in the last few weeks. The best thing I can think of about having a birthday is CAKE! Mommie gave me a birthday first, then a few days ago, Daddy gave me one.

Daddy gave me a cake that was on fire, and that was pretty cool. Apparently, you’re not supposed to lick the side of the cake while it’s on fire. I got in trouble for that. Tasted good, though. I only got a few licks in, then a bite or two later. It was so much more exciting when it was on fire.

People food is my favorite. I definitely get more of it since Mommie had surgery. Me and Bridget both know that Mommie is the one to sit by at dinner. She says we’re not supposed to eat people food, since we’re not people. But how will I ever become people if I don’t eat people food. I’m convinced that if I could eat just people food, I could grow as big as Daddy in no time. They only let me have a bite here and there, though.

I’m learning to be really fast, but I haven’t quite mastered stealing people food off their plates. Their blocking skills are pretty advanced, and I’m kind of clumsy. My clumsiness is more when I’m excited, too.

I think by now my readers know I’m a pretty unruly puppy. Mommie and Daddy act tough, but they are really softies when it comes to me. I’m pretty much in charge.

Next month will be a year since I got adopted. I wonder if we’ll have another party? It’s also a year since I started blogging. I’m a pretty big deal, Mommie says.

September 2017

Puppy blog:

I haven’t written in a while, but as you might imagine, puppies are busy. And now that we’ve been a two dog household for a while, and me being alpha, you can only imagine. It took a while, but Bridget actually seems to enjoy playing with me now. She’s alot older than me, so I think she had to get used to being around puppy energy. I think she’s gotten used to me now.

But I had important news. I never ever thought I could do it. I’d highly anticipated the day I would make such an amazing accomplishment. I’ve trained and tried countless times, but never succeeded.

I’d like to thank all of my readers, my parents, Bridget and the dogs at the dog park, my grandparents and extended family, the neighbor cats, the refrigerator, the dirty laundry hamper, and the trash can in the kitchen. You were my inspiration.

I caught my tail today.

I really didn’t expect it. It just happened. I was shocked, too.

I will say that often when you anticipate what something so amazing will be like, you think it will change you. No worries. I think I’m the same.

September 27, 2017

The toilet police are here.

I normally don’t take pictures of myself sitting on the toilet and post them online, but… Look at that.

(* Ridiculous levels of baby talk gibberish and nonsense.*)

September 21, 2017

Yesterday marked a year since we went to a new Reproductive Endocrinologist with all the determination and readiness to get this show on the road. Instead of a plan, we were devastated. That day is burned into my being like few things have ever been burned or ever will. That was the day I lost my hope of becoming a mother.

The days that followed were like none I’ve ever known, but hear me when I say that I’m a different person than I was that day. And I’m not sorry that I’m different.

I haven’t updated my blog recently, because I’ve not felt like I had much that was noteworthy to say.

The last few months, since my surgery, have been the good kind of difficult mostly. Settling into my new normal. My body is changing so fast, it’s hard to wrap my mind around it.

As I lose the weight, I gain hope that was taken from me. I gain faith that God’s plan is unfolding. I find myself leaning into a plan I can’t know and building a faith like none I’ve had before.

As of yesterday, I’ve lost 82 pounds. Not even half of my total goal, but it’s crazy.

I’m getting to where I can tolerate foods more and can keep them down. The weight loss has slowed some, since I’m able to eat. My hair is thinning a little bit, but nothing alarming at this point. I have alot of hair, so I’m not worried yet.

Yesterday was like closing a very emotional and hard chapter of my life. I’ve grieved every holiday this past year and walked this road I’m on.

It wasn’t fearless. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t a road that anyone in my life really knew how to walk with me, but so many people did. There was so much tenderness and love and support for me this year as I have stepped into this crazy chapter of my life.

I survived. My marriage has survived. I did not die of grief. I did not end my life, even though there were times I thought it was over.

I have found strength in my weakest days that doesn’t make sense.

I’m stronger. I’m better than I was before. My faith is different.

August 10, 2017

I've decided to name my pouch. I've been googling to see what names might work.

I'm leaning toward Marge. As in "large Marge, in charge".

I'm transitioning to regular foods. So far, not terrible, but I'm being careful. Veggies seem to be an absolute no no. I have not eaten veggies successfully. Total puke fest.

I can eat meats carefully, cheese, avocados, tomatoes, every fruit that I've attempted so far.

So Marge hates veggies. Bad Marge.

August 8, 2017

The last week has been rough for several reasons. One thing I was not prepared for in this process was losing like crazy the first few weeks after surgery, then it stopping for 3 weeks.

When you've failed really hard repeatedly in one area of your life, you come to expect failure in that area. Regardless of what measures I've taken, my internal expectation is failure. I'm afraid to fully hope for success.

Yesterday, the scale went down two pounds. Today, it went down another pound and a half. I'm so relieved.

I'm still in the game.

I didn't really realize how terrified I was of failing. Even to the point of being sure I would ultimately fail. But today, I'm back in.

The weird part is that my body changed significantly over the past three weeks. I could look in the mirror and see changes throughout my body, but that scale doesn't lie. Or does it?

This week, I started having trouble keeping my wedding rings on. No change on the scale for 3 weeks, but I had to continually push my rings back on my finger after moving my hands, and almost slung them off several times. It was time to put them away.

That's one of many changes.

But my fear and doubt in myself in this process screamed louder and louder till the scale started moving again.

This is a major emotional process. It's exciting, and scary, and is exposing my deepest insecurities that pertain to my weight and about my ability to ultimately win this battle.

There's so much riding on this to work.

Today, I'm back in the game, though.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

This week, I'm back to life. Mostly.

I'm noticing changes in my body that the scale is not reflecting. It's as if my body is taking a little breather from losing weight the last week. I'm trying not to stress about it. I've found lots of stuff about how the weight loss is really fast at first, then stalls, then picks up, then stalls. But my clothes are continuing to get more loose, even though the pounds are not showing.

My energy is picking up, which is nice. I'm not having the nausea after I eat as much. I'm getting used to the smaller portions and eating slowly. I'm sure that's helping alot with the nausea thing.

I'm also getting more fluids down, and I've only forgotten my vitamins twice this week. Lol… I know I have to get better about that. I'm still trying to figure out the timing of them during the day. There are certain vitamins that you have to space apart from each other or they cancel out each other, and then there are vitamins that will make your thyroid pill ineffective. So it's not as simple as it sounds. Then there's also the fact that the vitamins make me nauseated, so that means it matters when I take them in relation to meals.

This is the new normal. I'm still not hungry at all. Now that I'm not so nauseated, I don't dread eating, so that's a plus. And I'm getting to try foods to see how they agree with me and not just eating blender slop.

I ruined my blender that I bought right before my surgery. I cross threaded the blade cap onto one of the cups and can't get it off. I'm debating beating the cup with a hammer to see if I can save the blade cap. The whole blender is pretty useless without that. I haven't used the blender as much as I thought I would, because I can't drink the protein shakes. They taste so awful to me now. I'm trying to eat enough protein that I can get by with one or two of the Clear Protein drinks I've been drinking since surgery. I'm really getting tired of them, though.

Zeke was pretty sad that I went back to work, but we are temporarily caring for an older pup named Bridget. She's my father in law's dog, and he's currently in the hospital and needing to find a new home for them to live. So, I may have her for a few weeks or so.

Bridget is old and fat, and she barely tolerates Zeke and his high energy levels. He wants to play 24/7, and she's in retirement mode.

Zeke is thrilled, though. He loves all dogs more than people. I've been feeling a little set aside and jealous. He's pretty territorial over me and his toys and his pillow, but he loves having another dog to annoy.