The situation with the landlord turned out almost best possible scenario. They found the check, so no stop payments or anything. It’s almost best case scenario, because they are still saying our payment was late and charging us a fee. We know when we dropped it off. I’m not going to fight it. It’s not fair, but it could have been worse. So I’m gonna pay a $35 late fee and never use the drop box again. They will get to see my shining face and give me a receipt from now on. Lesson learned.

I’ve been thinking about how the enemy- the devil, Satan, Beelzebub, whatever you want to call him– is against the plans that God has made for us. He likes to frustrate us and confuse us to the point that we don’t know if we really heard God in the first place. 

I was preparing for worst case scenario. The check (money order, actually) was lost/stolen and we’d have to wait for the issuer to investigate and reimburse our funds, end up with a legal issue and mark against us for a filed eviction while I’m waiting the last days before a major surgery. I was worrying and trying to see if I could get a hardship withdrawal on my retirement. (I can.)  I was trying to figure out just how screwed we really were. I spent the night tormented about how we would get through this bump in the road. 

Obviously, my surgery would have to be postponed or cancelled. I don’t want to be trying to recover from surgery homeless. What will happen to Zeke? What if we couldn’t find a place on short notice that would take our baby? All the questions. It was torture. 

I’m a planner (Read: WORRIER) so I’m trying to figure it all out. All the what ifs and what abouts. 

None of it was needed. God knew it was fine. God knew that he was taking care of it. This was literally taken care of before I knew to be worried about it. The check turned up the day before the notice was delivered. (I’m gonna leave that alone. Makes steam come out my scalp.) 

I believe that God is speaking to me through this. I do believe everything happens for a reason. This, the reason is that God wanted to let me knew that I don’t see all, but he does. He wants me to let him have my fear and my control. 

Everything about this situation was out of my control. No one I could call. Nothing I could do. Locked doors at every turn. 

The whole time, the issue was already solved before I even knew about it. 

Figures. 

I believe the same is true for the infertility issue. I believe the weight loss surgery is part of the plan. I do not think that was my idea. And as I ride out the end of this wait to surgery, God is reminding me that he’s got this. He’s taking care of it. 

So today, I’m gonna work on giving it to him. The money part. The fear that something might go wrong. The fear that I won’t adjust to my new diet restrictions. The fear that it won’t work or that I’ll fail, even with surgery. The fear that I’ll do all this, and not become a mother. 

I know the enemy plays dirty. I know he knows my past failures and my insecurities.  

I know good things must be on their way. I must be doing the right thing if he is doing stupid things to upset me and scare me. 

I think it’s time to go to war and stop listening to stupid stuff and acting like this whole plan could fall apart at any moment. If it’s truly God’s plan, he’s got me. If it’s mine, I want it to fall apart. 

Not my will, but God’s alone. 

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