September 2017

Puppy blog:

I haven’t written in a while, but as you might imagine, puppies are busy. And now that we’ve been a two dog household for a while, and me being alpha, you can only imagine. It took a while, but Bridget actually seems to enjoy playing with me now. She’s alot older than me, so I think she had to get used to being around puppy energy. I think she’s gotten used to me now.

But I had important news. I never ever thought I could do it. I’d highly anticipated the day I would make such an amazing accomplishment. I’ve trained and tried countless times, but never succeeded.

I’d like to thank all of my readers, my parents, Bridget and the dogs at the dog park, my grandparents and extended family, the neighbor cats, the refrigerator, the dirty laundry hamper, and the trash can in the kitchen. You were my inspiration.

I caught my tail today.

I really didn’t expect it. It just happened. I was shocked, too.

I will say that often when you anticipate what something so amazing will be like, you think it will change you. No worries. I think I’m the same.


September 27, 2017

The toilet police are here.

I normally don’t take pictures of myself sitting on the toilet and post them online, but… Look at that.

(* Ridiculous levels of baby talk gibberish and nonsense.*)

September 21, 2017

Yesterday marked a year since we went to a new Reproductive Endocrinologist with all the determination and readiness to get this show on the road. Instead of a plan, we were devastated. That day is burned into my being like few things have ever been burned or ever will. That was the day I lost my hope of becoming a mother.

The days that followed were like none I’ve ever known, but hear me when I say that I’m a different person than I was that day. And I’m not sorry that I’m different.

I haven’t updated my blog recently, because I’ve not felt like I had much that was noteworthy to say.

The last few months, since my surgery, have been the good kind of difficult mostly. Settling into my new normal. My body is changing so fast, it’s hard to wrap my mind around it.

As I lose the weight, I gain hope that was taken from me. I gain faith that God’s plan is unfolding. I find myself leaning into a plan I can’t know and building a faith like none I’ve had before.

As of yesterday, I’ve lost 82 pounds. Not even half of my total goal, but it’s crazy.

I’m getting to where I can tolerate foods more and can keep them down. The weight loss has slowed some, since I’m able to eat. My hair is thinning a little bit, but nothing alarming at this point. I have alot of hair, so I’m not worried yet.

Yesterday was like closing a very emotional and hard chapter of my life. I’ve grieved every holiday this past year and walked this road I’m on.

It wasn’t fearless. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t a road that anyone in my life really knew how to walk with me, but so many people did. There was so much tenderness and love and support for me this year as I have stepped into this crazy chapter of my life.

I survived. My marriage has survived. I did not die of grief. I did not end my life, even though there were times I thought it was over.

I have found strength in my weakest days that doesn’t make sense.

I’m stronger. I’m better than I was before. My faith is different.

August 10, 2017

I've decided to name my pouch. I've been googling to see what names might work.

I'm leaning toward Marge. As in "large Marge, in charge".

I'm transitioning to regular foods. So far, not terrible, but I'm being careful. Veggies seem to be an absolute no no. I have not eaten veggies successfully. Total puke fest.

I can eat meats carefully, cheese, avocados, tomatoes, every fruit that I've attempted so far.

So Marge hates veggies. Bad Marge.

August 8, 2017

The last week has been rough for several reasons. One thing I was not prepared for in this process was losing like crazy the first few weeks after surgery, then it stopping for 3 weeks.

When you've failed really hard repeatedly in one area of your life, you come to expect failure in that area. Regardless of what measures I've taken, my internal expectation is failure. I'm afraid to fully hope for success.

Yesterday, the scale went down two pounds. Today, it went down another pound and a half. I'm so relieved.

I'm still in the game.

I didn't really realize how terrified I was of failing. Even to the point of being sure I would ultimately fail. But today, I'm back in.

The weird part is that my body changed significantly over the past three weeks. I could look in the mirror and see changes throughout my body, but that scale doesn't lie. Or does it?

This week, I started having trouble keeping my wedding rings on. No change on the scale for 3 weeks, but I had to continually push my rings back on my finger after moving my hands, and almost slung them off several times. It was time to put them away.

That's one of many changes.

But my fear and doubt in myself in this process screamed louder and louder till the scale started moving again.

This is a major emotional process. It's exciting, and scary, and is exposing my deepest insecurities that pertain to my weight and about my ability to ultimately win this battle.

There's so much riding on this to work.

Today, I'm back in the game, though.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

This week, I'm back to life. Mostly.

I'm noticing changes in my body that the scale is not reflecting. It's as if my body is taking a little breather from losing weight the last week. I'm trying not to stress about it. I've found lots of stuff about how the weight loss is really fast at first, then stalls, then picks up, then stalls. But my clothes are continuing to get more loose, even though the pounds are not showing.

My energy is picking up, which is nice. I'm not having the nausea after I eat as much. I'm getting used to the smaller portions and eating slowly. I'm sure that's helping alot with the nausea thing.

I'm also getting more fluids down, and I've only forgotten my vitamins twice this week. Lol… I know I have to get better about that. I'm still trying to figure out the timing of them during the day. There are certain vitamins that you have to space apart from each other or they cancel out each other, and then there are vitamins that will make your thyroid pill ineffective. So it's not as simple as it sounds. Then there's also the fact that the vitamins make me nauseated, so that means it matters when I take them in relation to meals.

This is the new normal. I'm still not hungry at all. Now that I'm not so nauseated, I don't dread eating, so that's a plus. And I'm getting to try foods to see how they agree with me and not just eating blender slop.

I ruined my blender that I bought right before my surgery. I cross threaded the blade cap onto one of the cups and can't get it off. I'm debating beating the cup with a hammer to see if I can save the blade cap. The whole blender is pretty useless without that. I haven't used the blender as much as I thought I would, because I can't drink the protein shakes. They taste so awful to me now. I'm trying to eat enough protein that I can get by with one or two of the Clear Protein drinks I've been drinking since surgery. I'm really getting tired of them, though.

Zeke was pretty sad that I went back to work, but we are temporarily caring for an older pup named Bridget. She's my father in law's dog, and he's currently in the hospital and needing to find a new home for them to live. So, I may have her for a few weeks or so.

Bridget is old and fat, and she barely tolerates Zeke and his high energy levels. He wants to play 24/7, and she's in retirement mode.

Zeke is thrilled, though. He loves all dogs more than people. I've been feeling a little set aside and jealous. He's pretty territorial over me and his toys and his pillow, but he loves having another dog to annoy.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Today has been rough so far. I'm feeling generally crappy, and my stomach is so queasy. I ate a little bit of apple and banana with peanut butter, which normally is pretty safe. It's churning and threatening to come up.

Yesterday, I tried to eat scrambled eggs, and I will not be doing that again any time soon.

I may be sorry I came to work today. I think today might be the day I vomit at work for the first time. I haven't been doing much of that. I did the first few days on soft foods, and sometime last week when I got the hiccups while eating and didn't know how to cure them other than to drink fluids during a meal. No bueno.

Friday, Jul 21, 2017

Puppy blog:
Well, sadly, Mommie went back to work yesterday. I was really hoping that she could stay home and play and cuddle forever, but I guess not. I’m not gonna lie, I cried loud in protest and tried not to go in my cage when she left. Today, I walked right in when Mommie asked me to go, and I’m waiting for Daddy to come home for lunch. Back to normal, I guess. 
Mommie was really tired last night and went to bed early when Daddy did, so I woke up super early ready to play at 4am. Daddy was up getting ready for work, so I thought it would be great if everyone was up. So I did everything I could think of. I jumped on Mommie, bit her hand, licked her face excessively, and danced with abandon around her head and ears. Such a party pooper. 
I was pretty worn out from all that, so I didn’t want to get up when Mommie was ready to get up. I was so comfy sleeping on top of her, all snuggly and warm. 
So, I’m back to work, guarding the house. I’ve been practicing my ferocious bark and growl at mealtimes with Mommie and Daddy. They are not fans, but I’ve got to build my skills.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Today was my first day back to work from my medical leave. Three and a half weeks off work. I really enjoyed my break. It was just starting to get fun, which means time to get back to work. 

I have felt like my weight loss wasn’t showing very much. Over the weekend, I saw several people that I care about that told me I was looking good, but for some reason, I always think people are being nice when they give me complements. Like they are just trying to make me feel better, because they love me. A counselor will probably have alot of fun with that someday. 

But today at work, a few people I don’t know said stuff to me about it. It was weird, and nice. I guess I thought that they weren’t obligated to say anything at all, and they noticed. So it must be true, since I don’t know them. 

First day back at work was nice. I got to see co-workers, which appeals to my sanguine personality. I can get a little emo if I don’t interact with humans enough. I don’t really like my job, but I work with good and interesting people who are very supportive. And that’s nice. 

I’m super tired from my day. I found it easier to get my fluids in at work. Maybe the structure and being much more aware of time? I don’t know, but I gained some real ground on my fluid intake today. 

So, back to reality. Back to the grind. 

Monday, July 17, 2017

I feel like I’m in the angry stage of a break-up. Except it’s with food. I’m not gonna lie, last week was rough. Almost everything I ate made me either vomit or pray that I would. It didn’t seem to matter how well I followed the rules or how careful I was. It made me sick. 

But it’s been two days since I’ve been sick. I had issues Saturday when I went to my support brunch, but didn’t actually vomit. I kept a doggie waste bag in my hand for about an hour after I ate half a meatball. (I highly recommend keeping some in your purse or bag after surgery, just in case.) 

I think I’ve figured out that I have to eat things with sauce or broth or basically really wet stuff, and I HAVE TO not drink before, during, or after meals for a bit. So far that’s the hardest thing for me. I drink automatically while I’m eating. Who knew that I did that without even thinking? It makes sense, because I always need refills at restaurants. 

I went to a birthday party last night, and they served fajitas. I really wanted some, but I didn’t even want to try anything because I didn’t want to be sick the rest of the party. 

I don’t even want to eat when it’s time. I dread it. But two days without being sick makes me have hope that last week was just an adjustment. 

I finally reached 55 pounds lost yesterday, which is a fourth of my goal. I rewarded myself and went and bought myself really nice makeup today. We’re probably going to count it as my birthday present, too, but I have decided this will be a good self care reward. 

Bye-bye food. Hello, makeup and cosmetics.